I Don't Know What I'm Doing

I'm back in America. It's been a week since I landed but I don't feel home. I don't feel a sense of belonging like I'm back in my home country. I actually feel lost. I've visited friends, been to familiar coffee shops, my old work, I've seen familiar places but nothing feels familiar.  I've been in shock almost because every part of me feels like it belongs in Africa. I thought it while I was there but I feel it more being back. Every fiber of my being misses South Africa, the family I left there, and the communities. While I know I will make it back, I just don't know when. And in this time of waiting, many have said "so what's next?" And I laugh, and I cry a little because I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. It's taken me a while to be able to tell people my true heart. 

There is so much emphasis on a job and what's next and where to that I almost laugh. If there's anything I've wanted to bring back with me to Africa it's that my fate isn't the job I'm going to have or where I'll live although those are easily the questions I'm asked. What I do know is the message I want to bring back with me while I'm here. 


A simple concept but means so much more. I was able to be in and see a few communities that I realize now are somewhat hopeless. The poverty, the alcohol, the drugs, gang violence or any other situation could hinder the hope in any community. I saw a lot of kids who were going to grow up in the same situation their parents or friends were in unless they were given a different hope. I realized after being in a few communities that I want to be someone who spreads that message of hope and of love of Jesus. If I do anything with my life, it's wanting people to know that He gives hope to any circumstance, any brokenness and anyone. 

So, no, I'm unsure of what is next. My heart has been left in South Africa, and I will keep praying to make it back soon but I also know that there's a message of hope that needs to be spread. I don't know what I'm doing for a job, or a home and that's okay because I want God to put me in situations to spread His love and hope. And in the meantime, I will pray, I will remain faithful and I'll go wherever He is leading for this time in the states.


A Heart for Africa

It's a little over two months into my time in South Africa and I can't imagine being anywhere else. With three weeks until I step into a huge unknown of the future, I can't help but think of how my heart beats for Africa.   There's something special about being here, seeing how blessed Africa is but also broken. The people here know how to capture hearts, live for God, and can cook food like I've never had before. The land and creation in Africa is some of the most beautiful I've seen. And, although there are many different religions and beliefs, God is so present in Africa.

In each place I've been: Namibia, Centurion, Darling, Cape Town - God is so present in creation. I've seen stars so bright under the Namib desert, I've nearly been brought to tears. I've walked up part of Table Mountain in Cape Town and got to gaze at the ocean down below. I've lived in the bustle of the city and seen the beauty of how the streets move with business. I've watched the sun set over the hills of Darling and realized that only God can paint something that amazing. The beauty here is simple but artistic and God-given. Many see Africa as mud huts and animals, but the beauty that I've been able to see, live and breath has been appointed by God to this beautiful country. 

The people in Africa rival anyone I've ever met. Africa is so diverse in many different areas. I've seen townships, nice houses, big cities, and small huts and in each place, the people have etched their way into my heart. There is a joy about the people here no matter the circumstances that draws you in. I've had the opportunity to see some of the poorest places but fall in love with the people and how our hearts rest so closely with God. I've also seen some of the richest places and have been able to connect two cultures regardless of color or class. The meaning of relationships to the people in Africa is everything and for that I'm so thankful. There's no agenda but to just talk, get to know someone, and to love them. If there's anything I've learned, it's how to live and love by spending time with people and investing in them. 

God is the God of me, of you, of the people in Africa and of the places. As much as my heart beats for Africa, His heart beats more for me, for you, for everyone on this earth. He wants joy for us, He desires relationship with us, and loves us despite what our circumstances, our struggles, or hurts are. Being in Africa has been a beautiful image of God's love and has made my heart fall in love with people and places I never knew possible. I'll be back, Africa, I'm sure of it. 

Oh, Darling

For the past week, I've been given the opportunity to travel to Darling, South Africa, a small farming community just an hour outside of Cape Town. Most commonly known for its wine and olives, Darling is a little serene countryside town with a whole lot of Jesus.  What's striking about Darling is it's beauty. There are rolling hills, rows and the rows of farm lands and so much green. When looking at such a place, experiencing a sunrise or sunset, it's easy to see that God is here. 

While it's pretty, and has been an amazing change of scene, the people and the work being done here has been the most honorable.  The mission field is so vast and working for the Lord looks a lot of different ways but here in Darling, it's a non stop outreach from schools in the morning, to farm visits at night to twice weekly church services on different farms. Jesus is here with a power and passion. 

My favorite part of any church service is worship. There's just something about being still and being able to worship with hands held high but in Darling, it looks a lot different. The worship is upbeat, lots of clapping and even dance moves. It's so full of energy and joy that it's hard to even remember the brokenness in a community with alcohol and/or drug issues. 

I think that's how God wants us to look at our lives: so full of energy and joy that we don't look at the brokenness but the goodness in Him. God didn't leave Jesus hanging on the cross to constantly remind of us of being broken, He restored Jesus, brought Him back again three days later so we would remember healing, love, and forgiveness. While it's good to remember how far God has brought us out of brokenness, it's also important to remember His Love, His kindness and His joy. And with that, Darling has sealed a special place in my heart, reminding me of the constant joy God gives us, even through the hurts in life.

Beacon of Hope

When looking at the school, Ditshego, that I've been working at, there's absolutely no reason I seem like I belong there. With a large language barrier, completely different culture and way of life, and the people, I look like I don't belong. I've been reflecting a lot on the Kingdom and the picture it paints for God to place me in that particular school for this time in my life.  It's not hard to point out the joy or talk about the joy that the kids and adults have in Africa. It's quite possibly my favorite part. But, I've also been exposed to nearly the opposite of joy: fear. Serving in a community that is very materially poor, I've heard stories that will forever be engrained in my mind. 

Most days the staff and I laugh, joke, pray, teach and work together. But last Wednesday was different for me:  One worker was telling me of her husbands infidelity, a child needed to find clothes to wear because his had so many holes, and some kids during school washed their clothes because they may not get to at home. Nothing in particular happened to me that day but I was shaken. 

I was shaken from the brokenness that I couldn't even imagine. And I was shaken by joy despite any of these circumstances.  I can't say I've had to live like that but I can relate in brokenness and hopelessness in a different degree. 

I prayed. 

I observed the rest of that day and the days following and still saw so much joy despite the circumstances. When hearing stories like the few above, it would be easy to forget and move on but God doesn't forget, he reaches out and loves. 

While I've never experienced brokenness quite like the community of Mooiplaas lives in, I realize that there is so much hope. The same goes for my life. And with that realization, I know I belong exactly in this community because while we come from different circumstances and backgrounds we are loved by the same God. We are cherished, given a future and have hope even in our brokenness. It's a beautiful picture of the Kingdom and how God puts different people together. 

I still won't be able to wrap my head around that kind of experience, but I don't have to because even in that brokenness, God can bring hope. Ditshego in itself is a beacon of hope and life in an otherwise broken and hopeless community. God is present, God is there, has always been there and will still be there years from now. Until then, I'm praying for more hope in the brokenness, for joy to overcome fear and to be a light in a sometimes dark place. 

You Are Welcome 

Without having a total cliche western view of Africa, I want to accurately describe the community I've started working in and have come to love. Mooiplaas is made up of about 16,000 people. It's a place you would not know was there unless you were trying to find it. From the road, you can see the big trash hill that lies next to Mooiplaas. As you venture into the township, you must go via dirt road passing piles of trash being burnt, small tin houses and honestly poverty like you may not have ever seen before. The pre-school, Ditshego, is in a small corner right at the beginning of the township.  Upon entering the school last week, I was smiling in nervousness, thankfulness, and empathy. My heart sank driving in and my mind was consumed with thoughts. I met teacher after teacher who were smiling. The principal was gracious to receive help and my thoughts turned into excitement. 

"You are welcome." 

Out of the 10 or so teachers at the school, each one of them made it a point to let me know I was welcome. Despite our differences in looks, occupations, and even circumstances, they were incredibly welcoming. I immediately thought to the Kingdom. As I tried to hide tears, I thought how intricate our God is to put people like us together, welcoming us all into his kingdom. 

Throughout my first days, kids started to open up. I saw pure joy, imagination, wonder, love, kindness, hard work, and intelligence out of each child and teacher I encountered. Despite any circumstance they may have been in, there was joy in each person at that school and even throughout the kids and adults we encountered in the town. We all shared smiles, laughs and love without questioning anything else. 

God's kingdom is all inclusive. There's no social status, hierarchy, or differences, there are just people like you and me living in a broken world. There is no us and them, there is we. Wherever we are, whether it be the richest place in America, or Mooiplaas in South Africa, God's kingdom is evident and His presence is strong. You are welcome. I am welcome. We are welcome. 


Since getting back from Africa, the in between, and coming back to Africa, home has been on my mind. Ive beent thinking a lot about home, but not in the way that you think. Home is a safe haven, a comfort, a peace-filled place that sometimes we don't always get.  Because of the instability of my life in the last six months, I've struggled with the concept of home. Yes, I have a house I grew up in, but that's not my home. I have a community where I built some of my young adult life, but that's not my home. I have places, people, and things, but none of these are home.

I was in a conversation a few mornings ago and we were talking life, struggles, and joys when home was mentioned. But not the homes I mentioned above. 

"When I go home, I don't want to find out I had missed out on what God had for me." 

"When I go home, I want to be content knowing that was the next step." 

I sat in awe of God and the message he was sending through someone so dear to me. Home isn't a place. Home isn't a building but it is knowing God and His truth. Home is growing deeper in our relationship with God, that we are always at home with Him. 

Home is knowing that God holds the day we're in. Home is knowing our future hope is in God. Home is going through struggles but staying sound in the fact that God is there and He will always send helpers. Home is heaven, and living in pursuit of God until we get there. 

I've been back in Africa for one week. I've been traveling non stop for four months. I haven't had a solid place to rest or call home but today I am resting in knowing God, following God, and pursuing God until I can reach home. Home is where I am right now, not the past, but in Him and with Him. 

He Knows Your Name

I've been back two weeks now with plans of going back to Africa but I'm still reflecting on my time and the lessons learned. For the past three months, I spent time in church listening in Afrikaans. Although I loved the cultural experience, I was thankful to worship in English this morning. The message that stuck out to me brought me back to my time in the desert in Namibia, one of the sweetest times in my life where i grew, learned and loved.  Let me take you back to our first weeks in the desert, quite possibly some of the hardest two weeks: adjusting to a new culture, death in our teammates families, getting used to new people and a whole new environment. The kids were so welcoming and loving. They threw their arms around us and loved us without end. Before long, hundreds of kids were spouting their names left and right. Constantly, they were asking us "what's my name?" The sinking in my heart when I couldn't remember will not be forgotten. As I got to know them, I learned their names, mannerisms, and more about their life. 

I began to think of God. He doesn't need that time to get to know us. Those kids didn't need us to know their names, they had a BIG God who knew their name. He knows my name. He knows our futures, our lives, beginning and end. 

He knows my name. What a powerful message. In church this morning, a song played. "Like the dawn, He is faithful." I thought back to the sunrise in the desert, over kids who didn't have much, who didn't need much but God to know their name. 

As I am lost, unsure of my next step after Africa again, I can rest that I am seated and Jesus knows my name. He doesn't count the time I spent in jail, he doesn't count my life off the beaten path, he doesn't count my faults but He knows my name and He saved me. As I prepare to step out in faith, I want to remember names but I also want to spread the message that Jesus knows YOUR name. And that's the only promise we need. 

Hope in Brokenness

Doctor. That's what one of the kids I met at JP Brand Primary School wanted to be when they grew up. I also heard answers like lawyer, vet, and teacher. I almost couldn't believe the hope I was looking at when I heard those words. These kids, mostly, have nothing compared to American standards. This one kid in particular had all odds against her: divorce at a young age, abuse, death, alcoholism all within her family. Yet, on this day, I saw nothing but hope.  I began to think about my own life. Although in a much different situation growing up with good money, I had experienced those hardships too. There was divorce at a young age, alcoholism, death, abuse, and jail all thrown into my story. But here I was, at a school in the middle of the desert, bringing love and God to kids who have basically nothing. 

In those moments, our stories intertwined. I saw the hope of a young child and the hope of myself and in this was the most important lesson I had learned on this trip: hope in brokenness. Two different stories brought together by this hope. Two stories of brokenness, loss, hurt, pain but triumph because of Jesus Christ. 

This led me to think about the cross. The cross symbolizes hope but for me it symbolizes brokenness too. As Jesus hung on the cross, he was bloody, beaten, bruised and broken crying out for God to help. But in a moment of death and life, all hope was given because of the sacrifice he made. 

In the brokenness of the cross, we were given hope. While this may not seem like much, on that day out in the desert as the sun set, I began to comprehend the hope in brokenness that Christ gives us. A hope so deeply rooted in sacrifice that it didn't matter that a young kid from Africa and a girl from America lived two different lives because we were each given hope in our brokenness. We are redeemed, beautiful, and worthy and Christ did that for us. Without hope, this precious moment would not have happened. Without hope, we have nothing. 


I've been back in America for almost a week now and I'm having trouble gathering my thoughts. Many have asked how my trip went, some have even gotten some details. It's so hard to put it into words; God moved so big in the school we were at, in host homes and in my own heart. It's almost unexplainable. We didn't go to build anything or give something out, we simply went to be.  While I'm having trouble trying to explain to people what the trip was like, I've had a lot of time to think and reflect. My answer may still not be good but our God is an unexplainable God and the way He moved is just that, unexplainable. I can try my best to put it into words, or I can simply tell you my heart. 

The first few weeks in Africa were so anxiety-ridden. So many questions in my mind like "what was I doing here?" "Why is this so hard?" "Are we doing anything right?" This is quite possibly the hardest concept of immersion because sometimes you do nothing but love and in return learn about people loving us. But what does loving  look like? 

Loving looks like our first week in Africa, meeting our community partners who called us by name and knew about us without ever meeting us. Loving is the first moments at the desert when hundreds of kids ran to us with smiles and hugs. Loving is a teacher who once didn't want you there inviting you into her house to just talk. Loving is sweet kids reading the bible with you and having a hunger for the Lord. Loving is endless dance parties, soccer games, and hikes to the dunes even when we were so tired. Loving is a sweet baby cuddling you at night while having a big sleepover in the girls block. Loving is a high five, a hug, crying and laughing together and learning that although we are different, we can love big. 

There are different ways we experienced love but the love we felt in return was unimaginable. We also experienced growth and change in our communities. We saw hearts soften, classrooms light up and teachers who learned to love because we loved the kids and them. "We love because He loves us first." One of the many lessons I took away from my time in Africa was how to love and what that looks like. 

I went to Africa because I saw a need to help. Yes, we helped in a relational and community sense but the way my heart changed says it all. The way my heart longs to still be there is what our God feels for us. He longs for us to know Him and to love him. Just like we pursued the kids and went to a remote desert community, God longs for us to pursue him in everything that we do. 

So, no, I don't have a good answer yet for asking how Africa was. I can only hope to show you how it changed me. I want to carry the love I received with me and let God shine through me. My heart will forever hold a special place for Africa because it's where I saw God move in all ways for the first time. This time in Africa has opened my eyes and changed my view from negative to one of hope. A hope so deep that it can only be explained as love: The love of a Father for His children. 


Three months in Africa can't be summarized. The way Jesus worked can't be put into words. The way my life has changed can't be shown. The love that I gave and received will always be held in my heart. People are going to ask me about my time in Africa, and I'm not sure what to say. Africa has changed my view, my perspective, my plans and I'm okay with that.  Coming into this trip, we learned about Africa being rich in many things. While many look at Africa as being poor, I realize what they meant when they said rich. Africa is rich: Rich in love. The love I experienced here is nothing short of the father's love for us. From the minute we stepped off the plane, the relationships we found of people who were praying for us before they even knew us to children who were complete strangers who now hold a giant place in my heart. I've never experienced love quite like I have here in Africa. A full, beautiful, unique, without limits love, just like God. 

Africa is also rich in beauty. I've found Jesus in nature, in the stars, in the sand dunes, in the ocean and just about anywhere. God is present in creation. One night my team walked out in the desert with no lights around and worshipped Jesus under the stars. That night I fully felt God and his purpose. He didn't want anything but for us to realize his love for us in that moment and how not even the sky's the limit for that love. 

Joy. A word that we use too often but you probably wouldn't think of when it comes to Africa. I didn't. But joy is so present in God's people here in Africa. Joy is present when worshipping Jesus but also joy is present in the mundane. I'll never forget the smiles from the kids, smiles of complete joy when we showed up at the school. The kids and teachers didn't know us, they didn't know our past or our hurts and faults but they loved. They loved with the joy the Lord gave them and in turn, taught me how to love. 

I can't exactly put into words what this trip means for me. It's changed my life. I asked for this trip to wreck me and turn my life upside down and it has. "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God." That verse of a song rings true in my heart. I don't know what my future holds, but I'm holding onto what God taught me here about beauty, love, and joy. The joy of the Lord is our strength and that's what I'm holding onto with an unknown future. I'm thankful to experience Namibia, although I'm not sure where the next road leads. God made us rich and I'll be forever thankful for His love and grace. 

Loved, Known, Cherished, Wanted

These last two weeks at our desert school, JP Brand, were challenging, refining, and the most incredible showing of God's loving grace imaginable. Our team spent time teaching, helping teachers, playing with kids, learning more about the culture and fully immersing ourselves into the relationships we've made. To name all the moments would take up pages of my blog, but I will share my heart.  As the two weeks came to an end, I found that some of the kids closed off. They would stop talking to us, they wouldn't give us our daily hugs or they would act mad. While I knew it was because they were upset that we were leaving, it was an extremely hard concept to grasp. These kids have been left so many times that at such a young age, their defenses go up. Instead of being defeated (which at times I was), I prayed and made it a challenge. 

Before this trip started, I prayed a bold prayer for God to wreck me: I wanted him to wreck my heart to see what He sees. I wanted God to wreck my views, to wreck my worldview, and to completely wreck my heart for His good. While the trip is not over, this time in the desert has refined and wrecked me in more ways than one. Instead of putting my defenses up like I normally would, God chose to work in my heart. He made me want to love more, learn more names, be more present and have more joy. He wrecked my heart to pray for these kids and adults in ways I hadn't prayed before. He allowed me to reach out to teachers and to just be with them without an agenda. He allowed the thirst for His word to be evident in the classroom and in the homes of the teachers. God wrecked my heart to love and to love with everything I had. I wanted these kids to feel loved, known, cherished and wanted in the eyes of God.

Isn't that what God wants for me too? I immediately thought how much God wants me to know I'm loved, I'm known, I'm cherished and wanted. What I wanted for these kids and what God wants are also what He wants for me. I'm amazed at how a God has worked in the school, these kids, and in my own life. We've seen heartache and joy, happiness and sadness, and some harsh realities but we've also seen more love than imaginable. God's love has shone in and out of this place and for that, I'm thankful. 

Little Joy, Big God

Writing in my journal has become an everyday thing. Reading my bible has even become more frequent in digging and searching each day for Gods instruction and Word even through doubt. It's hard to not doubt when something sounds so unreal. Call me a bad Christian but yes, I even doubt God sometimes. God loves us even through our sin, our past, our pain and struggles and that's hard to believe sometimes. God puts people in our life to love us when we don't deserve it and that's hard to believe. There is nothing about this experience or redeemed life that I deserve but God gave it and to have something that good brings doubt. But, I do know He loves us through all of the doubt and questions because He is good.  I'm sitting here and I can't believe there's only about a month left of this time in Africa. God has been patiently teaching me lessons layer by layer and day by day even through trials and hard times. When I first found out I was coming to Africa, I imagined smiles of kids and my life staying practically the same. I imagined I would come back and move on with my life. Now, I can't even imagine coming back and doing anything different than what I am now. The future is so unknown. It's been an eye opening, life-changing experience that is hard to put into words. 

It's easy to get down. Struggling through anxiety and depression have been daily reminders that I'm not fully healed or ok. I've found many don't understand so I'm hiding behind a smile and a laugh. But, I've also learned through a lot of digging into the Psalms that God brings us through hard times, in His time. 

Our first two weeks in the desert were incredibly hard. It reminded me of the many obstacles in life and even reading through my journal, I realize what God has brought me through in some of the hardest times just before this trip. But, like life, this trip didn't pause the hard times or what God was working on in my life. If anything, it exemplified it and made me realize that there are things I can't get around. I've been blessed with some very wise, loving people who have spoken a lot of truth into my life especially during this time. Couple that with the Psalms reminding me that even through trials, fear, doubt, anger, sadness and darkness that God is love. God delivers us (in His time). He redeems us. He walks with us through the valley when we see no way out.

While I may not be there yet, and may never be, I'm learning to wait for joy. A lot of being here in Namibia has been waiting, learning, and humbling myself down to realize we must walk, talk, and act in faith even through hard times. While it's been hard to process this experience, I can see the glimpse of lessons and patience being learned. And with those little lessons, joy comes from the smallest things. 

Psalm 34:6 In my desperation I prayed, and the Lord listened; he saved me from all my troubles. 


What do I really feel? How do I view myself? Recently I read a piece about being unqualified and it poses the question about how we really feel or think of ourselves. If I had to do a moral inventory I don't think I would like the answer. But I sat down for my self assessment at our school here in Namibia. I think sometimes how we view ourselves has a lot to do with our past, what we are told, who has defined us and what society says.  So, here it is - my own self assessment. I'm Julia. I'm a sinner. I'm broken. I'm unworthy. I am not a leader. I tend to fall into the pack of not qualified. I am lost, a mess, and sometimes feel I am not smart. If I was smart, I would have a job lined up after this trip. If I was organized, I would have a place to live and not be questioning my future. The list could go on about how I view myself. 

But as I look around at our school here, kids run towards me with open arms. They call me friend, "teacha Julia," and they often say how much they love me. They don't even know my past, my future, or even my present but these kids are teaching me more lessons about myself. I can teach, I can love. I can be a friend. 

I've prayed daily to feel qualified enough for the job at hand but I think God didn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called. While there are doubts and struggles, I know and want to truly believe where my truth comes from even if I'm still learning to believe it. So in the midst of the mess that I feel about the hardships of being here, my future or my past, I am Julia. I'm qualified enough because God made me enough. 

Unending Love

Amazing grace. In church this last week, in all Afrikaans, their worship was simply amazing. I cried during amazing grace thinking about sitting next to two people who meant so much to me and have prayed with me through this journey, how I was on this journey, and also how I was in Africa living with a host family and living a local way. I did nothing to deserve the way I was living. I have done zero to deserve the grace I've been given by God to still be alive.  On Monday we traveled to the Topnaar tribe to be with at their boarding school. After saying such hard goodbyes to our community partners, saying goodbye to the comfort of a home with our host homes, and months of waiting, we were finally headed out. Mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted we arrived at the Topnaar community with no expectations. 

We were instantly greeted by waves of children with hugs, teachers who were happy to have us, and a beautiful desert commmunity. Within the hour, we had set up camp and our tents and were able to play with the children. 

Immediately, our exhaustion was done. I was greeted by so many young girls and boys with hugs. I was able to fulfill my dream of playing soccer with kids in Africa. We are here to love on them but the endless love I received was amazing from the kids. I stopped for a minute to listen and just heard songs of joy, laughter and pure happiness. These kids have next to nothing and yet they give everything. 

How great is our God is all I could think. What grace, what love, what joy He gives through the littlest things. I'm having a very rough time here emotionally and mentally and just to be in this presence of God and these kids was amazing. Unending love, amazing grace. 

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never permit the righteous to be moved." Psalms‬ ‭55:22‬ ‭

Prayer requests: 

Personally for myself and to let go of past hurts and regrets.

For my team to pour out love like Jesus to each child or host family we come into contact with. 

For our team to shine the light of Jesus wherever we go. 

For all of us to grow in relationship with each other and with our God. 

A New Way of Life

Our time in Swakopmund is coming to an end. We've trained here all week, learned about the traditions and customs, and about the people we will be living with. We've also learned some valuable lessons on God, worldview, and God's love for us.  First, our task for the next two and a half months is to live among the Topnaar people. We will be in a desert community working and living at a boarding school. There are nearly 270 kids coming from all different backgrounds. Every other weekend we will be living with host families in the city of Walvis Bay. We will meet our host families tomorrow! This is all so scary, exciting, and new. I can't believe in just a few short days we will be fulfilling our passion for serving. 

Over the past two days, I've had some great conversations and lessons from our community partners Hein and Helene. They've been taking us on the journey of the book of Ephesians And as Helene has said ( and I'm trying to adopt) this is where she fell hopelessly in love with Jesus. We've gone through the first two books and his love for us is nothing shy of amazing. The best analogy I've been given is that we are given the keys to the Kingdom of God, all we have to do is take it. This powerful image of God adopting us all has me in tears. 

Learning about worldview has also been nothing shy of amazing. Many view Africa as poor and down trodden when really the people and resources among Africa are the richest. I don't mean rich in a material way but the joy that they have is unmatchable. The simple life they live is something I've been aching for. Life and time have so much meaning here and the relationships that are being built are becoming so strong. It's a beautiful harmony. So for the next two and a half months we will live in the desert without basic wants like wifi, showers, or a bed. But, this is all in the beauty and love of Christ. We are coming to serve and be His hands and feet. Praise God that he loves me so much to give me this opportunity.  Prayer requests:

For our team to travel safely and adjust well to our host homes.

To travel to the desert and adopt their way of life. 

To serve the kids like Jesus would. 

To love to the end of the earth any one we meet no matter how poor or rich. 

To show God's light in our communities and home church. 

Signing off for now in love and Christ - 


Wasted Time 

Time is a valuable word. It rules us. It makes us. It breaks us. Time, to some, is nothing. Others, it's everything. Time is so full of busyness that a person can forget a relationship, a job, or life. Time is nothing and everything all in one.  Our community partners, Hein and his wife, are the perfect example of sacrificial time. They partner with immersion and spend their every second and days with different teams visiting Namibia and South Africa. They eat with us, speak with us, pray with us and die us, and teach us. The most important lesson I've learned out of this trip so far is time. As told, time is given to us to use, not waste.

Here in Namibia, we have rarely have had a sense of time. We have gone with the flow, served, been intentional about relationships and spent so much intentional time with Jesus. This has been the best lesson, if not also most important. 

Time = relationships. It's time to reprioritize what we do with our time. Our investment to giving time is planting seeds in others lives. I know "busy" happens but there is always a way to make time. Our team had a moment of break through after we heard this lesson. We said goodbye from dinner and our devotional and decided to go onto the beach and sing praise and worship. That night, on the pier, above the ocean under the stars was prayers so strong and songs so beautiful that our team came together for God. We were in awe of His creation and beauty, and it's all because we made the time even with jet lag. 

Make time for people. Make time for relationships. Make time for God. Make time for time. Don't waste time. Take time to enjoy and sit with Jesus in His throne and just be. Don't rush. As we've been saying here, let's build the plane as you fly it. There's only 24 hours in a day, make time today to be intentional, relational, and to love. 

Broken Redeemed

Namibia has been nothing shy of amazing so far. The people are so nice and for the first few days have greetings like "hello" with a huge smile or "welcome to Namibia." It's been an absolute pleasure to be training with one of our community partners and his wife. The sacrifice they have shown, the kindness and ability to give is unforgettable.  For the most part during training we have been learning the language, Afrikaans, about the people, culture, food and Namibia in general. We have seen and swam in the ocean, we've seen the beautiful sunset, we've seen heartache among the hard working people and we've seen true joy in the midst of what most would consider an ordinary life. We have even learned that to say good morning in Afrikaans means "I wish you a good morning." If this doesn't show you what true Namibian joy is, I don't know what does. 

My favorite that we've seen so far is the stars. One girl on our team mentioned that the we've never seen these stars before because they're on a different side of the world and I thought that was amazing. I began to think of the intricacy of God's creation and how he named me, chose me and knew I would see these stars at some point in my life. God chose me to be in Africa.

I then felt shame and guilt as I sometimes do. I've messed up so much. I've been in jail, I've hurt people, I've disappointed God and yet He chose me to be part of this universe, this world, to be living in the exact moment that I was looking at different stars than I've ever seen. Can I get an amen for grace, y'all? 

As we learned one night in training, God is the God of the broken redeemed. We are a church of the broken redeemed yet we are SEATED right next to God everyday so we can walk and stand justly with His armor. That vision is so powerful to me and as our community partner spoke the words, as his wife prayed for us, as they sat there in community with us making coffee and laughing, I couldn't help but think that God chose me for that moment and this team in my life to help build relationships here in Namibia. We have to finish our adventure here training and Friday we are off to Walvis Bay. Thank you Jesus for making me a broken redeemed person. 

My First Heartbreak

My team has made it to Namibia. What a relief, joyful, satisfying and crazy moment in life. After two days of travel, we landed in the airport in Namibia with a four hour car ride ahead of us. Let's just say, we weren't too excited.  My team, made of seven girls and two guys, are a loud, boisterous, chatty group. We had gotten to know each other over the last few days and it's been a joy and a huge overwhelming undertaking to know you are living with these eight people for three months. We were on our four hour drive to the Namib desert area. 

Our task while here has been to live in be desert during the week, serving and living out the gospel at a local school. On the weekends, we will get the opportunity to live with host families near Walvis Bay.  This part of Namibia holds beaches and desert: a beautiful mix. 

 I've already experienced the first heartache of this trip. My heart broke as we were driving through one of the cities and first there was a begger, then a line of the homeless, then a tent area where they live in the middle of the dirt, minimal trees and a small fire pit area. I know there is the same problem in America but I couldn't help but think and feel and hurt for these people in a county with not many opportunities to get out of poverty. My heart broke for the little girl in purple I saw holding hands with her mom sitting on the side of the road, the young man in blue begging for money in traffic and others. My heart also broke because I'm paying vast amounts of money to be on this trip just to try to show the love of Christ while this is an actuality for many.

For the most part, this country is beautiful. Africa is amazing. The people are kind, generous and have a joyous spirit. I can't wait to start working in the schools and seeing infectious joy. I'm certain this won't be my last heart break as my time here just started. I'm excited to live in tents in the desert and meet our host families on the weekends. My prayer is for an open heart and open eyes as we undertake this journey through Namibia and actually live and love with these communities. 

Heading to Africa

As I walked into training three days ago, I couldn't have imagine walking out already changed. Meeting my team, meeting other groups, and meeting the staff I had been talking to for a year was so exciting. However, training has had its ups and downs and in a very good way. I've learned about myself, others, other cultures, my team and most importantly God. I've learned that God gives grace in the most unlikely ways and that also immersion isn't just about what we build or do but the relationships that we are about to make.  I've learned that after being a collegiate athlete, and then living alone, it's very hard to go back and live with a roommate. I've learned I'm kind of stuck in my ways and maybe a bit selfish. But I'm happy to know these things because this trip is about being selfless, sharing our space, and not being in the comforts of our own homes and spaces. 

One of the most important lessons I've learned is about others: my team but also the ones we are going to serve. I've learned how quickly your buttons can be pushed but how beautiful community is with like minded people. I've been so thankful being here and being around friends who want to talk about God, listen to my story, and truly listen, and also just genuinely care about others and serving. I've also learned that when we serve, it's not about us. It's not about what we are going to do but the relationships we make in Africa. 

Last, and the most important, is what I've learned about God. I've known but learned how good God is. I could never have imagined to have this experience but God has given me a second chance at life. I've also learned how intricate God is when creating others and the world. We've been trained on worldview, society and learning about others and honestly God is pretty cool. 

The opportunity of a mission trip is once in a lifetime. The opportunity to immerse into a culture will be unforgettable. I am so excited to head to Africa with my team and so excited to see how God works. We will not have much communication but my next blog will be from Africa! 


I have a Master's Degree. I went to college. I was an athlete in college. I am white. I am 25. I am a female. I am a U.S. citizen. I've had great jobs. I've been to great churches. I've had great pastors. I've moved all over the world. I've traveled to some of the nicest countries and places. I struggle with past and hurt and regret. I struggled with shame. But, most importantly, I am a Christian. Now, I didn't say any of that above to show off or to make people feel bad for me. But, for the longest time, I prided myself on some of those. I just want myself and you to know what has happened in my life. I feel privileged although I've had hardships.

BUT, NONE OF THIS MATTERS. None of it. None of this matters in this season of my life because I'm about to be wrecked. I pray to be wrecked. I pray to see things and people in Africa that wreck me so I come back and none of what "me" is matters. But I also hope to see joy like i've never seen before. I pray to be wrecked by their joy. I pray to see and I mean really SEE the joy, the hardships, the struggles that are going on in Namibia. I pray to FEEL that joy.

What I do have going into this trip is JESUS. It's time to be wrecked. It's time to drop all of my accomplishments, baggage, hardships, past and to focus on Jesus. When I first applied to this mission trip God whispered, "Be Still." Since the beginning of high school, I've been going and going. I have never stopped to be still and let Jesus take over fully. I've been baptized in the Holy Spirit but I still struggle to allow myself to fully step into his love.

My biggest prayer for this trip is to be wrecked. Wreck me lord so that I can spread your light. Wreck me so I can see something bigger. Wreck me so much that I come back more like you. Mission trips are a hard concept. Technically we are going to help them, but I fully believe I will come back completely changed. I've tried to make plans for when I come back. I've tried to figure out my life. But, I can't. Going on this trip is going to flip my world more upside down than it has been and all I've got is Jesus. Wreck me so I can walk, talk, and be like him. Help me put my baggage aside, and shine HIS light. #Wrecked