I'm back in America. It's been a week since I landed but I don't feel home. I don't feel a sense of belonging like I'm back in my home country. I actually feel lost. I've visited friends, been to familiar coffee shops, my old work, I've seen familiar places but nothing feels familiar. I've been in shock almost because every part of me feels like it belongs in Africa. I thought it while I was there but I feel it more being back. Every fiber of my being misses South Africa, the family I left there, and the communities. While I know I will make it back, I just don't know when. And in this time of waiting, many have said "so what's next?" And I laugh, and I cry a little because I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't. It's taken me a while to be able to tell people my true heart.
There is so much emphasis on a job and what's next and where to that I almost laugh. If there's anything I've wanted to bring back with me to Africa it's that my fate isn't the job I'm going to have or where I'll live although those are easily the questions I'm asked. What I do know is the message I want to bring back with me while I'm here.
A simple concept but means so much more. I was able to be in and see a few communities that I realize now are somewhat hopeless. The poverty, the alcohol, the drugs, gang violence or any other situation could hinder the hope in any community. I saw a lot of kids who were going to grow up in the same situation their parents or friends were in unless they were given a different hope. I realized after being in a few communities that I want to be someone who spreads that message of hope and of love of Jesus. If I do anything with my life, it's wanting people to know that He gives hope to any circumstance, any brokenness and anyone.
So, no, I'm unsure of what is next. My heart has been left in South Africa, and I will keep praying to make it back soon but I also know that there's a message of hope that needs to be spread. I don't know what I'm doing for a job, or a home and that's okay because I want God to put me in situations to spread His love and hope. And in the meantime, I will pray, I will remain faithful and I'll go wherever He is leading for this time in the states.