Abide. To remain in place. To wait patiently for. I’ve noticed in scripture that abide is a word used when speaking about God. Abide is especially used when speaking of the promises of God. Waiting is a word we are all familiar with. But, waiting to me seems like kind of an impatient word. I don’t want to simply wait for the Lord. Waiting implies I want everything to operate out of God’s timing, for all of my desires to be met now. That’s how we live today. Everything is in the now. But what I really want is to abide. I want to remain in place, in awe of Him and wait patiently for Him to do His job. As I’ve read and listened and prayed, the Lord has been teaching me how to abide in Him.
Over the last few months, I’ve had to learn re-learn patience. Patience and abide go hand-in-hand but with abide, prayer is involved. I’ve had to learn to have patience with a Godly mindset which to me was abiding in His word, saturating myself with His love, filling myself with joy because when everything around me is hurting, I am in need of abiding in a constant Savior.
I’ve realized the importance of abiding in a God worldview and not the different worldviews I’ve lived in. Since returning from Africa almost five months ago, I felt God put me in a waiting pattern. I felt a desire and a strong pull on my heart to be in Africa. Most who know me, know how torn I was at returning. My two worlds were ripped apart and I was left trying to start over with no place in mind.
Now, while my world was confused and messy, God knew what He was doing and I can clearly see that now. But, rewind back to January when I stepped back into Canyon, Texas, a town I had intentionally tried to leave, and I was confused. Why had God brought me back here? What was my purpose?
Living life questioning my purpose seemed to leave me so lost. God was so patient with me as He taught me how to abide in Him. He provided a job that I have come to love working with international students teaching English. He provided a place to live knowing I probably wouldn’t be here long. But, most importantly, the Lord provided comfort. First and foremost, it came from Him, but it also came in every person and place I was. I realize God brought me back to my small town in Texas to show me His love for me through the people He has placed here. From the teachers I’ve worked with, people at my church, to new and old friends—they have all rallied around to support and love me and show me how God works in so many different ways. To say I’m thankful for all the newness is an understatement. I was so resistant at first but my heart overflows.
I was still praying for what God wanted. I took my job knowing it may have been temporary. The pull for Africa never really left my heart and I spent a lot of time searching God’s will in the situation. I prayed, fasted, cried, talked, wondered but it was still there. I had no idea what God wanted but kept praying for His will in every situation. I prayed to remain faithful where I was and to show me His path.
And show me He did, but not in the way I had thought. I had my heart set on the places I’ve been with the people I knew. But, God in His goodness had something different in store. I knew Africa was in my heart but didn’t know the plan and I was okay with that. About two weeks ago, I came to a point where everything kind of hit me hard. I didn’t know what my purpose was here and I’m sure I was being impatient. Someone close to me ended up telling me a story about letting God take control and that same day I prayed to God for Him to take the reins of my life. And take all of them. I was tired of trying to figure out what He was doing. Remember, my job is to abide and let God figure the rest out.
Over the last half a year, God has been revealing His faithfulness in my life in different ways. Prayers have been answered and a lot were not. But the open door and “yes” to a prayer I’d been praying for so long was answered not even a half of a day after I said “God you take my life and let it be yours.” The day after I prayed that prayer, I was accepted into a program to work with abandoned children and women at a ministry in Uganda for a year starting in January. My heart had been so drawn toward this ministry and God opened so many doors, I couldn’t say no.
I think as followers of Christ we are constantly in an ebb and flow of giving God control. Even with this answered prayer, I still struggled to say YES to God. I realized how in our weakness, He is strong. I doubted whether I could leave so much support and a job. I doubted myself so much. Coming from pain in the past, through depression and anxiety, through battles I could never have imagined, could God really be answering this prayer and desire to follow Him wherever that leads? Could He actually use me? What will people say? I could have tried to talk myself out of it, but I told God I would keep saying “yes” to His plan until He said “no.”
So, here I am, nine months away from stepping out in faith again, but I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. I will be again leaving but this time; I know I have a place to come back to. God wasn’t sending me back here without purpose. He sent me back to find Him in the uncomfortable places, to spread His message of Hope, to realize my deepest desire is to love and follow Him, and He sent people who I am forever grateful for. I want nothing more than to glorify Christ in everything that I do. I want to abide in Him well now and abide in Him well when my world is turned upside down when I leave for Uganda for a year in January. I cannot wait to be in Africa again because part of my heart is there. Part of my heart is also here. God has been so faithful to bring joy in uncertainties. He has been faithful not only in the last year but I can see His faithfulness through my whole life. I have a story to tell, His story, and I pray that His hope can be seen while I’m teaching here this year and when I leave for Uganda in January and even when I return here again. I pray to abide in Him all of my days and to follow where He is leading. I truly don’t want to miss what God is doing and I hope to play a small part in His story.
As excited as I am, I am also nervous but more importantly, I’m expectant. I’m expectant that God is going to work right now, this year, and will always be working. I am expectant that God will teach me things that help provide Hope to others. I am expectant that He will use past pain, suffering, and hurts to help others. Last, I’m expectant that God CAN use me because even though to the world, I may be unqualified, to Him, I am chosen, loved, and redeemed. So there’s the big news: I am headed to Uganda in January and I simply cannot wait but I also want to abide in Him while He works. I’m speaking to myself when I encourage others to keep abiding, keep seeking, keep following Christ and keep on loving to show people Jesus. He hears you and knows your heart and what you need even through the trials life brings. Abiding in Him is worth it. Uganda love it!