Over the course of the last 3 weeks, I have been confronted with some not so nice emotions - whether put on from myself or from others. Rejection, loneliness, isolation, burdensome, hurt, frustrated, upset - just to name a few.
Three weeks ago, I received a high dose of radioactive iodine (RAI) for an enlarged thyroid, severe hyperthyroidism and Graves’ Disease. What was supposed to be about a week recovery (5 days of isolation) and 2 days more of rest, turned into the last three weeks. I had a reaction called radiation induced thyroiditis which in turn made my neck swell with lots of pain. My voice has gotten weaker, it hurts to talk, stand for too long, and even lay down certain ways. When I talked to my doctor, she said there was a 1% chance of this happening. How special am I?
I kind of laughed it off, but then realized I couldn’t go back to work. I couldn’t teach when I could barely talk. And so, frustrated, i’ve just been home resting. God has been so gracious in this time to have so many who love me. I’ve received flowers, gifts, visits, food, and many, many prayers.
By this third week, I became frustrated and upset. I just don’t understand why. After coming off of a life-altering stomach surgery, to the hardest recovery I’ve ever experience, mentally and emotionally, it just didn’t make sense.
My doctor feels bad, my radiologist feels bad, I feel bad. But in a conversation the other day I said,
“It’s not nice, and it hurts but I’m okay. God is on my side and He is with me even when it doesn’t feel like it.”
Even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Truly, it hasn’t felt like God was with me at times but I know He is. And not only that, God is working on my behalf to give me peace, joy, kindness, patience, and His love. I know God can heal me, but I don’t need to understand why I’m not healed because I know He is using this.
In Daniel 3, it says:
“If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.” - Daniel 3:18
God will deliver us, but if not, we will still not worship another God.
I am standing here today to say, even if not, God is still good to me. God is still for me. God will never leave me nor forsake me.
God is writing His story through my life and I am surrendering to His plan. God uses even the most unworthy, to which I know that is where I came from.
I would have never imagined 10 years ago, I would be in the position I am now but that is what our God does. He picks up the broken pieces. He took the girl who was lost, just grasping onto anything for hope and seated me with Him (Ephesians 2).
I no longer need to grasp for hope, because I can stand on the promise that God is good. And even if things aren’t always what I want or expect, God knows what I need before the words even leave my mouth. Even in the waiting to feel better, He is still good and He is good to me.
When I am let down, He is good. When I feel lonely, He is still good. When I am rejected, He is still good. When I am sick, He is still good. When I am hurt, He is still good. When I don’t know what my future holds, He is still good.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Hebrews 13:8).