I’ve sat down to write this blog at least five times in the past few months. Writing is usually therapeutic for me; it’s the way I process things. But, it has seemed that my heart has been too heavy to even write. In the last few months, it’s as if my joy was trying to be stolen.
It’s not secret that the last two years of my life have been life changing. From a life altering stomach surgery, to moving away from the one place that felt like home, losing people in my life and gaining others, to a period of radiation for another health complication, to switching jobs due to other people’s actions, all while holding onto hope of a brighter days.
It feels like I’ve been underwater and I can see the light but I can’t quite reach it. Every time I try to come up for air, another part of my foundation seems to want to crack. I’ve tried to think of how I can even begin to process just the last few months, let alone two years.
I was listening to worship music the other day, with tears in my eyes (a common occurrence). And I was thinking how much my heart longs for stability and Jesus’ steadfast love to be so consuming that all of the holes and gaps are filled. The words of the song “Goodness of God,” rang in my mind:
You have led me through the fire, in the darkest night, You are close like no other
I started weeping at those words because I have firsthand experienced how true they are. There is something so sacred about the grief, pain, and confusion we go through when our world is being rocked. It says in the Word of God that Jesus is close to the brokenhearted and HE is.
About two years ago, when I was in the height of my sickness before my stomach surgery, I had a night where it felt as if I would never get out of the dark place my mind and body had entered into. I had been throwing up for months and one night I was laying on the floor, unable to get up because my body was so tired. And I kept asking God why wasn’t he fixing this? Why wasn’t He making me better? I knew He could so why wouldn’t He?
I’m sure we have all been there before. In sickness, divorce, messy relationships, hurt, pain, loss, addiction, and death - where we come to a place and we ask God why.
It was in that moment, in the middle of the night that I had to make a decision. Would I let the questions and the pain over take my life or would I trust that even if Jesus didn’t take the pain away, that He was with me? That I could trust Him to comfort me in my pain. I could lean on His love for me and not my lack of strength.
I often go back to that dark night because since that moment two years ago, I’ve been in similar places. God has been allowing parts of my life to be broken down because He has wanted me to know that the only thing that is sure in this life is that He will never leave me nor forsake me. It’s the only promise we can be sure of. God has allowed me to be stuck in the middle of the wilderness for what seems like forever, but I have also never felt closer to Jesus. When I weep, He weeps. When I don’t think I can go one more day in the waiting, He assures me that He is with me.
I don’t write this from a place of knowing what’s next or even having an answer to all the pain that this world holds. I say all of this from a place of brokenness knowing that even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, His rod and His staff comfort me. He prepares a place for me and His goodness and mercy will follow me ALL of the days of my life (psalm 23). He holds my hand through the ups and the downs.
And He’s holding His hand out for you, too. He is faithful to the ones He loves and man, I can’t tell you how much Jesus loves you. So much, that He died so that we can live life with a Hope of a heavenly home to come. And when it feels like the darkest night, I want to remember to hold onto the promise that He is close like no other. He is good. I don’t say that because things are good, I say it because of who Jesus is. He is a comforter, a protector, a defender, and He builds beauty from ashes.
Jesus is the perfect redemption story. What looked like the darkest moments after Jesus died became the reason we can live. The resurrection of Jesus is proof that there are better moments to come: that we don’t go through hard things in vain. Jesus redeems the time and moments lost and turns them into a testimony for His glory.
Deuteronomy 31:6 "Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.